Felgerkarb

Hanging at Garage Bar

2011-12-13T05:40:00.002+07:00

Felgerkarb and members of Penh Publicans 501

hanging out at Garage Bar

Nuon Chea's Latest

2011-12-07T02:02:00.001+07:00

"The Khmer Rouge are nice people..."

Ya, right, Davros...errr....Nuon Chea...bah, I can never tell them apart.

Here are a couple of other famous quotes on par Brother Chea's latest insult to the Khmer people...

"I was only joking about the jews..."

"Poison? No, no, I said poisson, you know, fish? Jeez..."

George Jones heads to Snooky...

2011-04-11T23:54:00.004+07:00

Gonna be riding my mower to snooky on Wednesday and see what trouble I can drum up for Khmer New Year. I feel an epic episode involving something like the above looms upon the horizon.

I love Cambodia.

Clubbed

2011-04-11T23:24:00.003+07:00

So, I went clubbing with Blackie the other night. Was on a George Jones inspired bender, but all in all feeling damn good. Everything started out ok, but then a trend started to occur. Every time we walked into a club, some Khmer hottie would come up to me and say, "Hi, Felgerkarb" and either poke me in the stomach, pinch my arm, or blow a kiss. The first time, Blackie was like, "Who is that?", or "Why you know her?". Well, the first time I said that I didn't know/remember was fine. But after about girl 5 onwards, well, that would not hold water with Blackie. She was LIVID. But, in all honesty....
I had no fucking clue. No memory, nothing. 22 years on the ground here and well, I have kinda lost track or, well, not kept track of my...um....friends.
What's a man to do?

Tally Ho!

Charlie Sheen is a Lightweight Faggot

2011-03-14T00:33:00.005+07:00

Listen DIPSHIT. We tried posting on your shit Twitter fanboi, masturbatorial jackoff site about how lightweight your partying skills are and you deleted our posts...twat.

Lets see, millionaire in Hollywood and all you can do is party with pornstars??? Those crackwhores you call girlfriends are trash. You want quality, a Walkabout girl will suck you silly, twat, for a couple of bucks. I bet they smell better than Bambi and Twatia Stinkcooch. Save some bling.

Ice can be bought from every fucking motor taxi in the city dipshit, for pennies on the dollar compared to what you blow on whatever trash you shove up your face.

I party more, sans the drugs, in one week than you have in all of last YEAR, slick. Get your HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS and come to Cambodia PRONTO.

The Publican Sons of Kampuchea will show you such sites that your brain will melt and your cock will fall off.

Spanky Moves East

2010-04-02T14:55:00.002+07:00

So Spanky and She Who Cannot Be Denied have decided that they want to move in with the mighty Felgerkarb. I have decided that two girlfriends will always be better than one, especially when they are so...accommodating.
Ming the Merciless ain't got shit on me.

Time for the Yearly Check-up

2010-03-23T14:49:00.002+07:00

Nurse Mildred Ratched she is not...
I think I am in for a good check-up this year, eh?

Cambodia, Land of Renewal

2010-03-23T14:37:00.004+07:00

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Johnny Nash and Cambodia have something in common, an ability to clear my mind and make me feel a whole hellava lot better about things...

She Who Cannot Be Denied

2010-02-24T00:02:00.002+07:00

You know, I suddenly realized why I cannot deny
"She Who Cannot Be Denied"
SWCBD looks a lot like Lucy Liu here featured above.
I got the major hots for Lucy...ya, I know, me and about 1 billion other swinging Richards.
BUT, SWCBD, despite being a major player and a sticky fingered Penhgirl simply...

CANNOT BE DENIED!

I mean, LOOK. By Buddha, Apsaras got jack and SQUAT on her.

Resolve...weakening. Higher brain function, ceasing...

...can...not...deny. ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

Ah, the sweet suffering....

Harnessed Hussy in the Penh

2010-02-21T19:24:00.007+07:00

Felgerkarb's latest folly?!!!

Wishful thinking, but interesting nevertheless...

Good Luck Peaceman

2010-02-21T19:09:00.002+07:00

Good luck with your love, Peaceman.

Ignore those that try to tear you down and just move forward...I doubt most of the fucktards in this town could pull off what you did and live to tell the tale.

'nuff said.

Diamond Wielding F&#k Dolls

2010-02-21T18:57:00.003+07:00

Lately there has been a scandal about town regarding a typical local girl playing several barangs for phat lewt...i.e. while going through the motions with one barang to get married, to include meeting his family, while she was hosing at least one other guy in town, and stringing a few others along via email to get DA BLING BLING. This is all a fairly typical story for the Penh...most of us have been involved in something similar at least once...it is all part of earning your stripes as an expat here.

But, my good friend jm raised a REALLY good point about this. It may be typical for Khmer hussies to pull this crap on barang, but imagine if they tried this shit on a few local guys. They would be chopped, hacked, melted with acid, shot, strangled, and then made into prahok. A Khmer girl looks at another guy and her boyfriend usually goes apeshit...but we barang are fair game.

You know something, hussy? Find another dumbass to steal from, because it is just as easy for us to find another harlot to fill your shoes and rip us off as easily as you did and...

...wait, that didn't come out right...never mind...

...it may be time to retire back to white chicks...

...NOT.

Did a Time-Traveling Bird Sabotage the Collider?

2009-11-15T01:48:00.002+07:00

Did a Time-Traveling Bird Sabotage the Collider?

What I find really disturbing about this article is what is not said, and that is this:

Scientists that work on a 9 BILLION DOLLAR project are speculating that a time traveling bird sabotaged their experiment....W....T.....F??!!!

Fehhh...

2009-10-18T01:49:00.003+07:00

A few fellow Publicans seem to think I have gone soft with my post about Flipper down below. Well, my personal assistant has a message for you. "Fook yoo, barang!"

The Land of Phnom Pain

2009-10-17T22:14:00.001+07:00

When I was sick and lay a-bed,
I had two hookers by my head;
spent all my money for a lay,
To keep me happy all the day.

And after a few rounds or so,
I watched them steal my shit and go,
they rifled my stuff, all my pills,
despite my sickness and my ills.

And later while at home alone,
I read their texts within my phone;
I knew that they were full of lies,
despite all this, I sent replies.

I was a man once, before I fell,
into my little sexpat hell,
into a state, now quite insane,
The pleasant land of Phnom Pain.

A Porpoise She Is Not

2009-10-10T07:48:00.002+07:00

Normally I don't hang out or drink in Sharky's. The whole thing is just not my speed, but a good friend of mine wanted me to alert his regular girl that he would be in town soon. Admittedly I could have called her, but being THE FELGERKARB and being it a Friday, and being that I was out on the piss naturally I decided that a personal visit was at hand.

She was not there, so I proceeded to drink...heavily. Well, um, you might ask, so the fuck what, I mean, what else is new you drunktard? Everybody knows you drink like a fish.

Last night I spent 5 hours with "Flipper". For those expats, sexpats, rejects, and mutants that know her, but for the benefit of my readership I will explain, "Flipper" is a deaf freelancer of some notoriety and renown in the slapper realm....but she is anything but a porpoise...

She is amazing. Yes, she is a whore, yes she has been fucked by half the community in an attempt to add a notch on the strange and unusual belt of been there and done that, but have any of you aholes ever really tried to get to know her? Have you tried to communicate with her, or is she simply the butt of jokes -- a really weird whore and a relief for those of you who do not speak Khmer and just want a quick corn shucking?

I watched the girls, staff and customers look at her like she was something stuck on the bottom of their shoes...something to be scraped off and forgotten. But with a simple dignity, she ignores it all...I guess there are some advantages to being deaf.

So, with limited and drunken skills, I proceeded to speak with her, mime and do just about anything necessary to communicate with her.

She is an old soul.

"Flipper" is amazing, insightful, funny, bright and has so many levels to her persona that I felt shame for all of us that ever made fun of her....I had never bothered to get to know her. She was just a deaf whore, the butt of jokes, the object of pity for some.

She may be a freelancer at Sharky's, but she is a beautiful person, full of energy and life and I know something many of you never bothered trying to figure out with your Kamagra fueled boners...

I know her name.

09-09-09

2009-09-09T19:51:00.002+07:00

Happy arbitrary dating system lucky day for all my friends out there.

Semi-Regular Worthless Post

2009-09-07T15:37:00.012+07:00

Here is my semi-regular rant about nothing important that nobody cares to read about.
Since I lack the intellectual capacity to post anything on a remotely interesting topic about Cambodia, I will bore you with a post that lacks anything of value in an attempt to affirm to my detractors that I am truly pathetic...

Wait. you know what? FUCK YOU! If you find my blog uninteresting...don't read it, FUCKTARD!
I write this for me, not for YOU.
You want intellectual stimulation, READ A BOOK.

100 Days Plus 1

2009-08-28T16:33:00.002+07:00

Stu on his way home...

It has been 100 days plus 1 since we had the funeral for our dear friend Stu. His death came as a shock to us all, and frankly, put many of us into a tailspin for a few days, weeks, or months, depending upon the person and situation. His death plus a variety of other long buried issues started erupting from the earth all around me, like some sort of hell spawn intent at pulling me under to my own grave. I started taking stupid risks, drinking too much, finding myself in that dark hole and unable to find the light. I wasn't being pulled under at all, I was hiding in a pit I dug for myself. I wanted to bury my feelings under the dirt of vice and self indulgence. I was hiding from my life and his death by anesthetizing myself. I suppose many of us considered him the most upbeat guy we knew, with nary a bad thing to say about anyone. His death crushed me more than I knew, and was the last straw for me for a while. I think a lot of us considered him the best among us.

Then suddenly one morning I just woke up, my mind screaming ENOUGH!!!! at me like a warning klaxon of some craft about to crash land on the bleak landscape of the place I banished my soul to. It was almost as if I heard his voice, in that great Kiwi accent of his, saying to me, "Aw, come on, it can't really be all THAT bad, can it?" I had a good laugh until it turned into a good cry, and I felt whole again.

I don't know what all these means now, as I move forward, other than I miss my friend and plan on honoring his life with a long one of my own. It does not mean I am going to become some sort of Trappist monk! Feh, what would the world be without a Felgerkarb on the prowl? But it does mean that when I do "go arrrround", as we Publicans like to say, it will be with a wary eye cast back toward that pit I left behind me.

We miss you Stu, be it 100 days plus one or thereafter unto infinity. You are our friend, and we love you...Thank you for everything.

Cambodian Banking Sector OK

2009-08-27T20:02:00.003+07:00

Yet another gem from our beloved Neo-Khmer Rouge mouthpieces:

PHNOM PENH, Aug. 27 (Xinhua) -- Public confidence in Cambodia's banking sector is growing and has managed to withstand the onslaught from the global economic crisis, local media reported on Thursday, quoting the director general of the National Bank of Cambodia (NBC).

And yet another:

Radio France Internationale reports that:

Mrs. Tal Nai Im, director general of the National Bank of Cambodia (NBC), expressed worries that, if the world financial crisis persists, its secondary effect will have a negative impact on the Cambodian bank sector. During the recent period of financial crisis, Cambodian banks were not directly affected.

Ya, not affected, if you believe that, I have a bridge over the Mekong for sale, CHEAP. Do these IDIOTS read their own monthly reports? Do they read their own press statements in the Khmer local press over say, the last 6 months...oh ya, I forgot, they get redacted periodically by the Thought Police.

Impact of the worldwide financial crisis on the banking sector in Cambodia and future prediction were two topics of discussion raised by Mrs. Tal Nai Im, NBC director general, during a roundtable discussion organized by the Club of Cambodian Journalists. Tal Nai Im indicated that the secondary effect of the financial crisis could have a negative impact on the banking sector in Cambodia because of the increasing amount of stagnant loans, i.e. bank loan borrowers during the financial crisis period do not have the ability to pay back their loans to the bank because of the stagnation of their businesses, and the loans borrowed to build houses or buy lands could not be returned to the banks either. Tal Nai Im added that the stagnant loan funds increased from 3.7% in December 2008 to 5.2% in May 2009.

I would bet dollars to spring rolls that it is a lot higher than 5.2%

Currently, Cambodia has 35 banks and 45 financial institutions that are under the supervision and review of the NBC. There are currently 820,284 bank loan borrowers, i.e. 6% of the 14 million population of Cambodia. The amount of bank deposits is $2.9 billion, and the amount of loans is $2.4 billion.

Holy Shit, talk about obfuscation, 35 banks and 45 financial institutions...how many money laundering banks have opened since the financial crisis in Cambodia? Quite a few, I might say. Add to that the fact that you say that of those banks, criminal or otherwise, they have loaned out MORE than the GNP of the entirety of Cambodia recently? MORE than the entirety of the money LOANED to the government of Cambodia this year and last combined? If this is this case, what the hell is going on? There are so many poor here now, who the FUCK are you loaning this money to? Our local rice farmer? Our local spiced egg salesman? No, not any of them, BAD RISKS, eh? Something REEKS of bullshit here...

At the explosion of the financial crisis at the end of 2008, Cambodian banks were not seriously affected. However, Tal Nai Im indicated that the worldwide financial crisis caused a drop in garment export, tourism, construction, as well a drop in real estate prices in Cambodia.

Thank you for your brilliant insight, Tal Nai. I am sure the starving book sellers, flower girls, rural people and hostesses appreciate your insights.
Oh, wait, time for another crackdown.

Don't get me wrong, I love this country, and I support the current government, given the alternatives. But the stupidity and greed of some members of the government of our beloved Iron Man is simply amazing. The pure doublethink of some of the Ministries is just, well, stupefying.

Ok, enough politics, back to black humor, bargirls, and big boobs.

Cambodian Creates Telepathic Car

2009-08-26T18:22:00.003+07:00

"Cambodian mechanic Nhean Phaloek sits in his self-designed homemade Angkor 333-2010 car at his house in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. Phaloek hopes to mass-produce the petrol-powered vehicle to which he has incorporated various peculiar features, including one which he claims allows users to open its doors telepathically." - AFP

This guy is definitely a front-runner for the 2009 sCambodian of the Year Award.

Mutant sExpats

2009-08-26T17:03:00.009+07:00

I reveal my inmost self, unto my god...

Errr, I can kinda see his point. o_0

Great, now TWO Squeakies on the LOOSE!!!

2009-08-16T08:52:00.003+07:00

As is I didn't have it bad enough, now there are TWO Squeakies on the loose. Apparently, Squeaky Fromme was recently released from the joint after trying to pop Ford back in '75. My former Squeaky works at Dream bar in town and somehow contiously manages to ferret out my phone number from the masses here in the Penh. Just when I think it is safe, I start getting serial sms messages.
Now there are two mad women named Squeaky loose in the world.

What if Ms. Fromme comes for a Holiday in Cambodia *cue music*???!!!! The Penh is simply not big enough for one Felgerkarb and TWO SQUEAKIES!

AHHHHH! *runs screaming into the night*

Miss Landmine

2009-08-09T08:40:00.006+07:00

This is Miss Landmine, Battambang, Dos Sopheap. She would have been competing in the 2009 Miss Landmine contest, but it got canceled by the government as being contrary to Cambodian values. Locals prefer their disabled begging in the streets so that they can be ignored and shouldered past, rather than shown that they have value beyond a begging hand. But I forgot, Buddha forbid somebody that is part of donor culture decides that they have a way out. Back to the streets, Sopheap! Go squat in some hovel someplace and hide your shame from us all, because we hate cripples in Cambodia...especially beautiful one legged girls!!!!

IMHO, I think she is hot. Anybody got her number?

Coming to a Penh Pharmacy Near You!

2009-05-18T12:06:00.003+07:00

Originally designed and tested in Pattaya, our local pharmacies here in the Penh have apparently been stocking this new wonder drug for quite some time. I have noticed that the typical Khmer girl's prowess at maintaining a perfectly good lie for weeks on end MUST be based on something new (and improved), so our long suffering hero (yours truly), did some research and after risking life and limb, fire and ice, drunken escapades, and assorted other tomfoolery (to include knife wielding ex-girlfriends), obtained the above sample package.
Be afraid gentlemen, be VERY afraid...

Khmer Vampire Women

2009-05-18T11:52:00.003+07:00

Dating a Khmer woman can sometimes be like dating a vampire. Like our hero above, the woman never simply kills you, she only sucks just enough of your life away to keep you weak and unable to escape, leaving you a slave. Every time you think you build up enough strength to make a move to save yourself, using their hideous vampire powers they keep you forever trapped, like some fucking barang bug under a glass. Just squash me and get it over with,
DAMN YOU!
But no, with flashing almond eyes, black silky hair, and a body and soul designed by Satan himself, these spawn of the devil keep you beguiled, under a glamour so powerful that you will revel in your thralldom as you remember a day when you were not such as you have become.

A gilded cage is still a cage.

Silence of the Storm

2009-05-18T11:35:00.002+07:00

The amount that I blog is always related directly to my relationship status...

Missy and I have had some serious issues of late, therefore I stand on the shoreline watching the incoming storm and enjoying the silence before the waves crash over the wasteland of my relationship and either wash away the pain and uncertainty, or simply pulls me under into its dark embrace.

Either way I need to post more, eh?

Comrade Douche Bag Gets His Day In Court

2009-02-20T18:13:00.006+07:00

Something troubling you, Comrade D(o)uch(e) (Bag)?

Perchance you can feel the icy claws of your victims tearing at your soul from beyond the grave? Your attempt to ease your mind by converting to Christianity seems to have failed you.

You cannot escape your Karma.

Don’t think for a minute you can rest easy, Comrade, because even if the gods be damned ECCC squanders all of its money with the usual Khmer corruption bullshit and collapses, you can bet your skinny prune ass that those that have waited so long for closure will break into your prison and give you a taste of such tender mercies that an eternity in hell will seem like paradise.

It will be just like the old days, eh Comrade?

AUSTRALIAN RIPS OFF SEX WORKER

2009-01-31T03:39:00.002+07:00

From the hollowed pages of the Phnom Penh Post Police Blotter:
An Australian man and a Cambodian sex worker were brought into Chroy Changvar commune police station after an argument about not paying enough for buying sex for two nights. The woman said she could not accept US$70 because the man had had sex with her several times during the two nights. The argument surprised neighbours who brought them to the police station. The man was ordered to pay the woman $30 more and $80 to have their names left off the report.

I have been thinking about THIS one a lot over the last few days and I have a few points to make.

1) Since when has two days with a sex worker on the barang circuit cost 100$ in sCambodia? She should have been arrested for gouging.

2) 80$ bucks to grease the police palms to stay off a report...once again, gouging bastards. By Buddha, the going rate is about 20$ to cook the police books. Bogan amateur.

3) Why the HELL did our bogan hero go with the neighbors to the police?! Another amateur mistake.

4) Um, last I checked, prostitution is illegal in sCambodia, so the cops enforcing some sort of fair trade deal is ridiculous and farcical. They must be her pimps. Because if they weren't, then they would have arrested her so they could repeatedly rape her in the cop shop for a few days like most of the pigs around here. They would have used her like a cum dumpster until her family and friends could pay to get her out of their "jail of love". They could have had a chew toy for a few days, and more money. I figured Dey Krohom would have polished their knobs enough to get them all worked up for a few good rounds of rape.
Oh, the humanity.

Prodigal Blues

2009-01-31T02:30:00.003+07:00

Cambodia is an amazing place. Many live here to get the hell away from wherever or whatever they have had enough of. She takes us in her warming embrace and smothers out the pain and sorrow from which we escaped, sometimes with just our lives, if not our souls. But I tell you, whatever it is one may run from, it always finds you. Even in Cambodia...

Riding my life
Like a run-a-way train
Moving from
One track to that
Howling, crying,
Screaming at the moon
Only my voice came back
Only the echo came back

(thanks to Billy Idol for one of the best set of lyrics ever put to music)

Freak Out!

2009-01-29T07:57:00.002+07:00

This is probably one of the best goddamn albums every produced and recorded in history....if you are over a certain age. Most of you young punks probably would not understand this album, but it is history -- it came out in 1966. I don't claim to be any sort of music guru or historian, but I know good when I hear it, and this is it. The social commentary is still very valid, and more to the point, many of the songs fit Cambodia perfectly, especially in this era of the Neo Khmer Rouge, and less severely, I cannot enter any hostess bar and not hear in my squirming like a toad brain:

Suzy Creamcheese, what's got into you?

And Now for Something Completely Different

2009-01-28T08:15:00.008+07:00

Felgerkarb has not been seen recently in the vicinity of St. 136 for several weeks. It has been reported that several bars along this premier hostess strip may be on the brink of closure due to his lack of patronage. Chi Chi, a good friend of our hero and owner of Nay Nay Star Bar on St. 102 (where the girls are very tall), has required her empolyees to dress in mourning attire until his return.

And now for something completely different...

Dildos are illegal in Cambodia...

...this...um...girl(?)...seems...err...eager...to debate the point...

Our Glorious Leader Speaks!

2009-01-01T08:46:00.004+07:00

"We know now that there must be a single purpose! A single norm! A single approach! A single entity of peoples! A single virtue! A single morality! A single frame of reference! A single philosophy of government! We must cut out all that is different like a cancerous growth! It is essential in this society that we not only have a norm, but that we conform to that norm! Differences weaken us! Variations destroy us! An incredible permissiveness to deviation from this norm is what has ended nations and brought them to their knees! Conformity we must worship and hold sacred! Conformity is the key to survival!"

Hanging with Flat Eric

2008-12-14T18:36:00.003+07:00

So, I have been hanging with my bud Flat Eric lately. Man, I thought I could drink, jesus wept! Flat Eric must have a liver of fucking stone! This homey can pound down the brew, boy. The other day we were doing the 136 shuffle and I swear he must have drunk like 25 cans of Anchor. Then he proceeded to dance with the chicks at Night Owl with his fuzzy face buried in LeeLee's huge knockers. He disappeared with her and a few other chicks he barfined...what a freaking nutter. He was out the next night all over again...I was still hung over as hell. He called me a pussy for not keeping up with his fuzzy yellow ass.

WORSHIP ME!!!!

2008-12-14T18:34:00.001+07:00

All Hail Felgerkarb the Magnificent!!!

Bettie Page

2008-12-12T22:24:00.003+07:00

Just saw the news that Bettie passed away today in L.A.
I love '50s pinup girls.
Bettie will always be the Queen.

Very Interesting...

2008-12-08T03:07:00.003+07:00

Wid sie neu helmut law coming in geforcen zoon, wie zhuld alle putzen sie Stahlhelm opft ouren kopf.

Just to fuck with the police.

My Testament to Ros Sereysothea

2008-12-07T08:57:00.004+07:00

I simply love Ros Sereysothea. I love her voice. I love her face. Somewhere out in the heavens, she still sings to all of us, her crystal voice a perfect accompaniment for the wonders of the universe. Whenever I think of my beloved adopted country, or stroll around the Penh in the early morning, I can hear her song in the movement of people and things in the streets. The sound of her music brings the smells of fresh food cooking, cool breezes across the Mekong, the early sun on my face, and the pleasant faces of the young girls walking along that smile at me. All these images and exeriences I feel are gifts directly from her to me every time I hear her song, her perfect, sweet voice.

She died at the hands of the brutal Khmer Rouge, but they could not kill her gift to me. Although they buried her in some unmarked hole as an enemy of Angka, her music in now the mightiest of epitaphs. It is a friend to all, her voice liquid honey to be gulped down as an elixir for the soul. This is her monument to the universe that those bastards could not tear down. I hope they all burn in hell for what they did to her, and to all her people who enjoyed the magic she brought to their lives.

Thank you my sweet angel, oun aeng.

I Am Jack's Sense Of Humiliation

2008-11-20T18:36:00.004+07:00

DJ Ano appeared on TV last night unhurt, contrary to witness reports and a local film clip circulating around town of a woman being pulled into a car and brutalized.

Something very strange is going on here, or, simply, I fell victim to the usual Penh rumor mill.

I am Jack's sense of humiliation...

Better I stick to what I can confirm personally: harlots, catamites, and popular culture.

Davros Still Hiding Out In Skarro...errr...Cambodia

2008-11-20T06:18:00.008+07:00

"Yes. Yes. To hold in my hand, a manifesto that contained such power. To know that life and death on such a scale was my choice. To know that the tiny pressure on my comrades, enough to break their will, would end everything. Yes! I would do it! That power would set me up above the gods! AND THROUGH THE KHMER ROUGE I SHALL HAVE THAT POWER!"

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

New Gatekeeper at Felgerkarb Castle

2008-11-20T05:59:00.002+07:00

With all the trouble that has been going on around town lately, I began thinking of the security situation around Felgerkarb Castle. So I picked up the phone and gave a call to the Demon Prince himself asking him if I could borrow Cerberus for a while. He told me no problem, as he owes me a few favors anyway for all the great things I have been doing around town, and especially for keeping an eye on one of his minions, Squeaky. Anyway, from now on, you have to get past this motherfucker to enter the Castle grounds, so it would be best if you gave us a ring before you came over. Wouldn't want your immortal soul torn out of your body and carried off to hell and all that....very inconvenient for all involved.

Mmmm...donuts....

2008-11-17T09:44:00.002+07:00

Mmmm.....donuts...
Cute Asian girls really know how to take a donut, eh?
Chew, baby, chew!

A Heart, Not So Dark...

2008-11-17T03:06:00.005+07:00

"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving."

Attack of the Catamites!

2008-11-16T06:27:00.007+07:00

The newest sensation to hit Street 136!
Catamites!
This doe eyed mistress of hellfire can be yours for only the cost of a few lady drinks...
...and your reputation.
So if you're a god-cursed sodomite,
Come down for your very own catamite!

(brought to you buy the letter X and your local Publican Club, 501)

Jabba the Hutt is Dead

2008-11-10T15:55:00.000+07:00

It would seem not one hour before my posting about DJ Ano, one of the larger of the NKR crime lords was struck down by the hand of the gods in our beautiful land. While I would never rejoice at the death of another, I must say this was a long time in coming. I find it even poetic that Karma finally caught up with him. Princess Leia could not choke the life outta this Jabba the Hutt, it had to be like this. My faith that some sort of Justice exists in the Universe has been restored.

Another Casualty of the NKR

2008-11-09T23:24:00.000+07:00

Missy's friend from her TV days, DJ Ano, was recently brutalized. It is all over Khmer news sites and papers, another story to be looked at with shock and horror, then quickly forgotten.

DJ Ano is yet another example of the further atrocities that continue to be meted out upon the Khmer people by the Neo Khmer Rouge (NKR).

Her only real crime was being pretty and on TV. She was spotted by multiple NKRs who decided she would make a fine addition to their collection of chew toys. She was forced to make a decision, go with them into their underworld of Johnny Walker Blue, cheap sex and cigarettes and thus keep her career, or refuse their advances and be pushed down into the gutter with the rest of the trash. She of course knew she was doomed, but thinking of her family and position, she went along with the fat slob NKRs, and thus was damned.

One night she was abducted by thugs belonging to some frustrated NKR battle axe of a wife. Her head was shaved. Her face, breasts, labia, and the rest of her body were slashed with a razor. These mongoloid stormtroopers also gleefully performed some sort of crude semi-circumcision on her clitoris, then dumped her bloody and broken body on the side of the road. I am not sure if they raped her, but I would be surprised if they did not. She is still alive in a hospital in Vietnam, but she will forever be crippled in body, mind, and soul.

There will be no investigation. There will be no witnesses. There will be no charges. There will be NO JUSTICE for DJ Ano or her family. The fat pig NKRs and their Quasimodo like wives will continue to act with impunity, raping and plundering Cambodia until there is nothing left but an empty husk.

She is but another on the long list of NKR victims that will go unavenged...but not unmourned.

May Lord Buddha bring you peace, DJ Ano, and may Karma have its way with those responsible for this heinous crime.

Felgerkarb Castle

2008-11-08T06:40:00.001+07:00

I am going to build this mighty edifice somewhere on the outskirts of the Penh. Perhaps on the ruins of Camko City, that piece of shit development where they don't pay their workers and destroy the environment as Ming and Oknha Klytus put up soulless, cookie cutter crap, all the while calling it progress. These swine are worse than the Khmer Rouge as they grab up all the land and slowly murder their own people like a twisted black earth mother. Well, once I am done building Felgerkarb Castle, I will loose my flying monkeys to take vengence in the name of the people.

cue evil laughter

Sugarless Nights

2008-10-27T03:56:00.000+07:00

"And the Great Whore will suckle us until we are fat and happy and can suckle no more..."

R.I.P. Sugar Shack

Bar of Ghosts

2008-10-20T00:36:00.000+07:00

Emile is my hero, the quintessential bar owner in Cambodia. He takes no crap from anyone, but dishes it out like a true champion of grungehole bardom. Any bar owner who smashes a guy in the head while holding a baby in one arm is a mighty warrior of the tap in my book. Hero, villian, sinner or saint, it matters not, for he is a barang bar owner in Cambodia. There is NOTHING more colorful than HE. Who would you rather have a chat with, Emile or some NGO fucktard "doing good for Cambodia" who will be gone when their CV-ticket is punched in the appropriate place? Emile will still be here long after they are back drinking their lattes and getting ooohs and ahhs from people as they entertain them with their tales of not bathing regularly.
Emile will be serving his brew, living his life with his Khmer family (and baby boxing partner), providing endless hours of entertainment, all for the price of one lousy Anchor. And why is this?
For he is NO LONGER BARANG, but Khmer in soul if not in skin...
...and he is my brother.

They are coming for me at Felgerkarb Castle

2008-09-11T11:10:00.000+07:00

They are coming for me, my evil experiments have been exposed! Better go hide in the nearest Karaoke Bar that smells of cat piss before the girls tear me to pieces!

They'll never take me alive!!!!

Bridge of Death (Spean Moranak)

2008-08-10T17:27:00.000+07:00

So I was crossing Chrouy Chungva bridge with the rest of the posse while on our quest for the Perfect Karaoke Girl (this was before accomplishing my quest by finding Missy, Queen of all that is good and pure in a Khmer singer) and we came across this freaky old expat in the middle of the bridge...

Freaky old Expat: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Libertine: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your name?
Sir Libertine: My name is Sir Libertine of Phnom Penh.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your quest?
Sir Libertine: To seek the Perfect Karaoke Girl.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your favorite color?
Sir Libertine: Martini.
Freaky old Expat: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Libertine: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Choad: That's easy.
Freaky old Expat: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Choad: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your name?
Sir Choad: Sir Choad of Pattaya.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your quest?
Sir Choad: To seek the Perfect Karaoke Girl.
Freaky old Expat: What... is the capital of Thailand?
[pause]
Sir Choad: I don't know that.
[tumbles screaming over the side into the Tonle Sap]
Sir Choad: Arrrgggggggg!
Freaky old Expat: Stop. What... is your name?
Sir Dirty Sanchez: Sir Dirty Sanchez of Pattaya.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your quest?
Sir Dirty Sanchez: I seek the Perfect Karaoke Girl.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your favorite color?
Sir Dirty Sanchez: Brown...no, snowbal...
[tumbles screaming over the side into the Tonle Sap]
Sir Dirty Sanchez: Yearhhggggggg!!!
Freaky old Expat: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Felgerkarb: It is 'Felgerkarb', King of the Karaoke Parlor.
Freaky old Expat: What... is your quest?
King Felgerkarb: To seek the Perfect Karaoke Girl.
Freaky old Expat: What... is the ground-speed velocity of a karaoke girl on an Airblade?
King Felgerkarb: What do you mean? A Vietnamese or Khmer karaoke girl?
Freaky old Expat: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[tumbles over the side into the Tonle Sap]
Freaky old Expat: Aahhhhhhhh!
Sir Phnom Pen: How do know so much about karaoke girls?
King Felgerkarb: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

It's good to be the King!

(With credits to Monty Python for making life that much better.)

Bitch Slap!

2008-08-10T16:14:00.000+07:00

Don't worry, my loyal readers, I am NOT going soft on Baphometa. My last post below was my online catharsis and electronic farewell to Squeaky.

And thus, this BITCH SLAP is for you, baby!

Now, on to bigger and better things....

Ode To The Spawn of Baphomet

2008-08-02T17:57:00.000+07:00

It has been a few months, but those that know me personally know the deal (and thus some of the reason for my lack of updates). Squeaky and I broke up a while ago...it was a long, drawn out process. I was with the most hot girl I could ever dream for...for over a year. She was everything I ever wanted in a partner -- only she just could not stop doing psycho CRAP that drove me fucking INSANE (not they typical inane chick prattles, but some serious shit).
I am dating somebody else now (a simply amazing, loyal, smoking hot singer), but I cannot get Squeaky out of my mind, out of my soul. Her crude, rough humor...her smile, her loud mouthed inappropriate bullshit that would drive me up the wall. Wtf is the matter with me? I want her back, but I cannot take her back. Who in his right mind take a wild, knife wielding, hockey mask wearing maniac back?

Breath Like An Open Grave...

2008-05-23T15:47:00.000+07:00

So I walk into a new hostess bar and sit down. I see the most amazing creature I have ever seen making eyes at me (yes, I know it is her JOB, but allow me to get on with my story, you fuck). She is really the most lovely creature I have yet to see here in the Penh, so I make sure I lay it on thick with my looks (STFU, allow me some dignity here!). She comes over and sits down. Sweet mother of GOD! The curve of her hips, the smooth, sleek thighs, the full, upthrusting breasts ripe like melons. I thought for sure I had finally met the holy grail of bar girls...until she spoke. (All italics are inner voice, courtesy of one of the greatest SciFi writers of all time, Frank Herbert).

Hello, what your name?

SWEET JESUS, MY EYES ARE BURNING!!!

You a very handsome man.

What is the origin of the atomic fire emanating from your screeching maw??!! God in HEAVEN, my face is on FIRE!!!

What is matter, bros saát?

You mean besides the fact that the GATES OF HELL have opened and the brimstone has singed the eyebrows off my face???!!!

You like me, bros Saát? Me go wit you...

I would rather throw myself into a active volcano, Harlot from HELL!!! Christ, I think my shirt is smoldering, the paint is bubbling behind me, and that bacon smell is the skin on my face starting to crisp like pork rinds prepared by Hannibal Lecter...

Buy me lady drink?

Only if it some new fucking super secret formula Scope that will kill the pyroclastic blast emanating from that Vesuvian petri dish, Mad Max - Gamma World, radioactive wasteland of a mouth you got there honey...

Why you go so soon?

Because if I don't, I better buy a fucking IRON LUNG!!! What the hell can that be? Prohok never smelled like that super trifecta of a George Romero movie, 9th level of the Abyss, gate to Chaos, projectile vomiting Linda Blair demon killing MOUTH of yours does...

See you tomorrow, bros saát?

The sad thing is, you probably will, honey...

Attack of the 50' Bar Girl!!!!

2008-05-18T13:09:00.000+07:00

The Latest Terror to Hit Asia!

Oh No, Tsunamis were not enough!

Cyclones? Pffft!!

Earthquakes?!! Ahahahahah!!!

No, nature had to unleash this HARLOT FROM HELL upon us all!!!!

She was last seen stomping down St. 136 and biting the heads off Pattaya trash roaring:

BAR FINE ME!!!!!

(Photo courtesy of larch-sama.blogspot.com)

"Klytus, I'm bored..."

2008-05-17T14:06:00.000+07:00

"...what plaything do you have to offer me today?"

"An obscure country in SE Asia, your majesty...the inhabitants refer to it as Cambodia."

"How peaceful it looks..."

*sounds of rapid over development and garish building*

"Mwhahaha, most effective, your majesty. Will you destroy this...Cambodia?"

"Later, I like to play with things awhile, before annihilation!"

-- Statements attributed to the evil developer Ming the Merciless and his sidekick, Oknha Klytus

Traffic in the Penh...Going Bananas!!!

2008-03-09T17:09:00.000+07:00

Every time you start getting pissed about the traffic in the Penh, just cover your ears and imagine this as the soundtrack...keep watching and see what happens!!! Damn, ain't it hilarious!!??

Here's Uncle Joe...

2008-02-24T11:07:00.000+07:00

...and he's movin' kinda slow at the Junction....

Lovely internet here in the Penh is keeping me away from my most important duties here at the World According to Felgerkarb. Once I get a more reliable internet connection, expect the fun to never end at the Junction...Petticoat Junction!

The Magic Flute

2008-02-10T17:08:00.000+07:00

No, I am not referring to Mozart; I ponder the magic flute, Freddie, from H.R. Pufnstuf as I listen to our own magic flute player along Sisowath Quay. I always hated Freddie and his piping little pipsqueak voice. As a child I always wished Jimmy had snapped that flute in half, or Witchiepoo got her green gnarled hands on that little piping prick. Talk about Freudian symbolism...
Come to think of it, I would have liked to kick Jimmy right in the crotch about five times in a row for his happy go lucky, smiling always happy crap.

Revelations, Cambodia 1975

2008-02-10T16:56:00.001+07:00

Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.

Rip Taylor -- Personal Hero

2008-02-10T16:13:00.000+07:00

People always have personal heroes, be it Gandhi, Jesus, Einstein, Billy Carter...My personal hero has always been Rip Taylor. Talk about the gift for gab with a slightly skewed spin on things. I think he would be perfect for Cambodia. I will be negotiating with his agent soon to come and do a few shows here in Cambodia; I have already emailed him directly -- he responds to all his emails, what a great guy, eh? I have several jiggly bargirls tearing up confetti for him as I type this.
Happy days are here again...

Death to Scrappy Doo!

2008-02-10T15:56:00.000+07:00

Just in case there was any question, I really fucking hate Scrappy Doo. Totally ruined everything with his blasted PUPPY POWER battle cry. Little fucker. I hope he got euthanized. Bastard.

Stream of Unconsciousness

2008-02-10T14:31:00.000+07:00

What better way to spend the day, thinking out loud, smoking the proud, opening the way to a better stay in the streets where the traffic booms and the clouds loom...

...where the noise blasts and the Khmer gasps provide the counterpoint to a life gone past...

...questions remain, but the day remains unexplained...

...so I drink a beer and keep my thoughts clear as I move towards a destiny without fear...

...open the door, cross the floor and join those who may know more...

...join them in the dance...what is life perchance? I know not more....

Pope Palpatine

2008-02-09T17:27:00.000+07:00

Not mine originally, but I noticed the same thing everyone else did at the time.

Noun Chea is Davros!

2008-02-09T16:27:00.001+07:00

Coincidence, I think not...

I always thought Nuon Chea looked familiar!

And remember what Davros said:

"This is not the end..but only...THE BEGINNING!"