Friday, May 23, 2008

Breath Like An Open Grave...

So I walk into a new hostess bar and sit down. I see the most amazing creature I have ever seen making eyes at me (yes, I know it is her JOB, but allow me to get on with my story, you fuck). She is really the most lovely creature I have yet to see here in the Penh, so I make sure I lay it on thick with my looks (STFU, allow me some dignity here!). She comes over and sits down. Sweet mother of GOD! The curve of her hips, the smooth, sleek thighs, the full, upthrusting breasts ripe like melons. I thought for sure I had finally met the holy grail of bar girls...until she spoke. (All italics are inner voice, courtesy of one of the greatest SciFi writers of all time, Frank Herbert).

Hello, what your name?


You a very handsome man.

What is the origin of the atomic fire emanating from your screeching maw??!! God in HEAVEN, my face is on FIRE!!!

What is matter, bros saát?

You mean besides the fact that the GATES OF HELL have opened and the brimstone has singed the eyebrows off my face???!!!

You like me, bros Saát? Me go wit you...

I would rather throw myself into a active volcano, Harlot from HELL!!! Christ, I think my shirt is smoldering, the paint is bubbling behind me, and that bacon smell is the skin on my face starting to crisp like pork rinds prepared by Hannibal Lecter...

Buy me lady drink?

Only if it some new fucking super secret formula Scope that will kill the pyroclastic blast emanating from that Vesuvian petri dish, Mad Max - Gamma World, radioactive wasteland of a mouth you got there honey...

Why you go so soon?

Because if I don't, I better buy a fucking IRON LUNG!!! What the hell can that be? Prohok never smelled like that super trifecta of a George Romero movie, 9th level of the Abyss, gate to Chaos, projectile vomiting Linda Blair demon killing MOUTH of yours does...

See you tomorrow, bros saát?

The sad thing is, you probably will, honey...

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Attack of the 50' Bar Girl!!!!

The Latest Terror to Hit Asia!

Oh No, Tsunamis were not enough!

Cyclones? Pffft!!

Earthquakes?!! Ahahahahah!!!

No, nature had to unleash this HARLOT FROM HELL upon us all!!!!

She was last seen stomping down St. 136 and biting the heads off Pattaya trash roaring:


(Photo courtesy of

Saturday, May 17, 2008

"Klytus, I'm bored..."

"...what plaything do you have to offer me today?"

"An obscure country in SE Asia, your majesty...the inhabitants refer to it as Cambodia."

"How peaceful it looks..."

*sounds of rapid over development and garish building*

"Mwhahaha, most effective, your majesty. Will you destroy this...Cambodia?"

"Later, I like to play with things awhile, before annihilation!"

-- Statements attributed to the evil developer Ming the Merciless and his sidekick, Oknha Klytus