Friday, May 23, 2008

Breath Like An Open Grave...




So I walk into a new hostess bar and sit down. I see the most amazing creature I have ever seen making eyes at me (yes, I know it is her JOB, but allow me to get on with my story, you fuck). She is really the most lovely creature I have yet to see here in the Penh, so I make sure I lay it on thick with my looks (STFU, allow me some dignity here!). She comes over and sits down. Sweet mother of GOD! The curve of her hips, the smooth, sleek thighs, the full, upthrusting breasts ripe like melons. I thought for sure I had finally met the holy grail of bar girls...until she spoke. (All italics are inner voice, courtesy of one of the greatest SciFi writers of all time, Frank Herbert).

Hello, what your name?

SWEET JESUS, MY EYES ARE BURNING!!!

You a very handsome man.

What is the origin of the atomic fire emanating from your screeching maw??!! God in HEAVEN, my face is on FIRE!!!

What is matter, bros saát?

You mean besides the fact that the GATES OF HELL have opened and the brimstone has singed the eyebrows off my face???!!!

You like me, bros Saát? Me go wit you...

I would rather throw myself into a active volcano, Harlot from HELL!!! Christ, I think my shirt is smoldering, the paint is bubbling behind me, and that bacon smell is the skin on my face starting to crisp like pork rinds prepared by Hannibal Lecter...

Buy me lady drink?

Only if it some new fucking super secret formula Scope that will kill the pyroclastic blast emanating from that Vesuvian petri dish, Mad Max - Gamma World, radioactive wasteland of a mouth you got there honey...

Why you go so soon?

Because if I don't, I better buy a fucking IRON LUNG!!! What the hell can that be? Prohok never smelled like that super trifecta of a George Romero movie, 9th level of the Abyss, gate to Chaos, projectile vomiting Linda Blair demon killing MOUTH of yours does...

See you tomorrow, bros saát?

The sad thing is, you probably will, honey...

2 comments:

Gaudente said...

She probably has clamydia or candida infection in mouth.
For candida, 1 single Diflucan pill should do the trick (here in Thailand it costs 60 baht).
For clamydia, 10 Ciprofloxacin 250mg pills once a day for 10 days. The 10 pills streak here in Thailand costs just 90 baht.

The Phnom Pen said...

Dude,
You know I love you but...given your radar goes down at night...are you sure you weren't up at Wat Phnom talking to a glue-sniffing monkey ?

p