Sunday, November 15, 2009

Did a Time-Traveling Bird Sabotage the Collider?

Did a Time-Traveling Bird Sabotage the Collider?

What I find really disturbing about this article is what is not said, and that is this:

Scientists that work on a 9 BILLION DOLLAR project are speculating that a time traveling bird sabotaged their experiment....W....T.....F??!!!

Sunday, October 18, 2009


A few fellow Publicans seem to think I have gone soft with my post about Flipper down below. Well, my personal assistant has a message for you. "Fook yoo, barang!"

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Land of Phnom Pain

When I was sick and lay a-bed,
I had two hookers by my head;
spent all my money for a lay,
To keep me happy all the day.

And after a few rounds or so,
I watched them steal my shit and go,
they rifled my stuff, all my pills,
despite my sickness and my ills.

And later while at home alone,
I read their texts within my phone;
I knew that they were full of lies,
despite all this, I sent replies.

I was a man once, before I fell,
into my little sexpat hell,
into a state, now quite insane,
The pleasant land of Phnom Pain.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

A Porpoise She Is Not

Normally I don't hang out or drink in Sharky's. The whole thing is just not my speed, but a good friend of mine wanted me to alert his regular girl that he would be in town soon. Admittedly I could have called her, but being THE FELGERKARB and being it a Friday, and being that I was out on the piss naturally I decided that a personal visit was at hand.

She was not there, so I proceeded to drink...heavily. Well, um, you might ask, so the fuck what, I mean, what else is new you drunktard? Everybody knows you drink like a fish.

Last night I spent 5 hours with "Flipper". For those expats, sexpats, rejects, and mutants that know her, but for the benefit of my readership I will explain, "Flipper" is a deaf freelancer of some notoriety and renown in the slapper realm....but she is anything but a porpoise...

She is amazing. Yes, she is a whore, yes she has been fucked by half the community in an attempt to add a notch on the strange and unusual belt of been there and done that, but have any of you aholes ever really tried to get to know her? Have you tried to communicate with her, or is she simply the butt of jokes -- a really weird whore and a relief for those of you who do not speak Khmer and just want a quick corn shucking?

I watched the girls, staff and customers look at her like she was something stuck on the bottom of their shoes...something to be scraped off and forgotten. But with a simple dignity, she ignores it all...I guess there are some advantages to being deaf.

So, with limited and drunken skills, I proceeded to speak with her, mime and do just about anything necessary to communicate with her.

She is an old soul.

"Flipper" is amazing, insightful, funny, bright and has so many levels to her persona that I felt shame for all of us that ever made fun of her....I had never bothered to get to know her. She was just a deaf whore, the butt of jokes, the object of pity for some.

She may be a freelancer at Sharky's, but she is a beautiful person, full of energy and life and I know something many of you never bothered trying to figure out with your Kamagra fueled boners...

I know her name.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Happy arbitrary dating system lucky day for all my friends out there.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Semi-Regular Worthless Post

Here is my semi-regular rant about nothing important that nobody cares to read about.
Since I lack the intellectual capacity to post anything on a remotely interesting topic about Cambodia, I will bore you with a post that lacks anything of value in an attempt to affirm to my detractors that I am truly pathetic...

Wait. you know what? FUCK YOU! If you find my blog uninteresting...don't read it, FUCKTARD!
I write this for me, not for YOU.
You want intellectual stimulation, READ A BOOK.

Friday, August 28, 2009

100 Days Plus 1

Stu on his way home...

It has been 100 days plus 1 since we had the funeral for our dear friend Stu. His death came as a shock to us all, and frankly, put many of us into a tailspin for a few days, weeks, or months, depending upon the person and situation. His death plus a variety of other long buried issues started erupting from the earth all around me, like some sort of hell spawn intent at pulling me under to my own grave. I started taking stupid risks, drinking too much, finding myself in that dark hole and unable to find the light. I wasn't being pulled under at all, I was hiding in a pit I dug for myself. I wanted to bury my feelings under the dirt of vice and self indulgence. I was hiding from my life and his death by anesthetizing myself. I suppose many of us considered him the most upbeat guy we knew, with nary a bad thing to say about anyone. His death crushed me more than I knew, and was the last straw for me for a while. I think a lot of us considered him the best among us.

Then suddenly one morning I just woke up, my mind screaming ENOUGH!!!! at me like a warning klaxon of some craft about to crash land on the bleak landscape of the place I banished my soul to. It was almost as if I heard his voice, in that great Kiwi accent of his, saying to me, "Aw, come on, it can't really be all THAT bad, can it?" I had a good laugh until it turned into a good cry, and I felt whole again.

I don't know what all these means now, as I move forward, other than I miss my friend and plan on honoring his life with a long one of my own. It does not mean I am going to become some sort of Trappist monk! Feh, what would the world be without a Felgerkarb on the prowl? But it does mean that when I do "go arrrround", as we Publicans like to say, it will be with a wary eye cast back toward that pit I left behind me.

We miss you Stu, be it 100 days plus one or thereafter unto infinity. You are our friend, and we love you...Thank you for everything.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Cambodian Banking Sector OK

Yet another gem from our beloved Neo-Khmer Rouge mouthpieces:

PHNOM PENH, Aug. 27 (Xinhua) -- Public confidence in Cambodia's banking sector is growing and has managed to withstand the onslaught from the global economic crisis, local media reported on Thursday, quoting the director general of the National Bank of Cambodia (NBC).

And yet another:

Radio France Internationale reports that:

Mrs. Tal Nai Im, director general of the National Bank of Cambodia (NBC), expressed worries that, if the world financial crisis persists, its secondary effect will have a negative impact on the Cambodian bank sector. During the recent period of financial crisis, Cambodian banks were not directly affected.

Ya, not affected, if you believe that, I have a bridge over the Mekong for sale, CHEAP. Do these IDIOTS read their own monthly reports? Do they read their own press statements in the Khmer local press over say, the last 6 months...oh ya, I forgot, they get redacted periodically by the Thought Police.

Impact of the worldwide financial crisis on the banking sector in Cambodia and future prediction were two topics of discussion raised by Mrs. Tal Nai Im, NBC director general, during a roundtable discussion organized by the Club of Cambodian Journalists. Tal Nai Im indicated that the secondary effect of the financial crisis could have a negative impact on the banking sector in Cambodia because of the increasing amount of stagnant loans, i.e. bank loan borrowers during the financial crisis period do not have the ability to pay back their loans to the bank because of the stagnation of their businesses, and the loans borrowed to build houses or buy lands could not be returned to the banks either. Tal Nai Im added that the stagnant loan funds increased from 3.7% in December 2008 to 5.2% in May 2009.

I would bet dollars to spring rolls that it is a lot higher than 5.2%

Currently, Cambodia has 35 banks and 45 financial institutions that are under the supervision and review of the NBC. There are currently 820,284 bank loan borrowers, i.e. 6% of the 14 million population of Cambodia. The amount of bank deposits is $2.9 billion, and the amount of loans is $2.4 billion.

Holy Shit, talk about obfuscation, 35 banks and 45 financial many money laundering banks have opened since the financial crisis in Cambodia? Quite a few, I might say. Add to that the fact that you say that of those banks, criminal or otherwise, they have loaned out MORE than the GNP of the entirety of Cambodia recently? MORE than the entirety of the money LOANED to the government of Cambodia this year and last combined? If this is this case, what the hell is going on? There are so many poor here now, who the FUCK are you loaning this money to? Our local rice farmer? Our local spiced egg salesman? No, not any of them, BAD RISKS, eh? Something REEKS of bullshit here...

At the explosion of the financial crisis at the end of 2008, Cambodian banks were not seriously affected. However, Tal Nai Im indicated that the worldwide financial crisis caused a drop in garment export, tourism, construction, as well a drop in real estate prices in Cambodia.

Thank you for your brilliant insight, Tal Nai. I am sure the starving book sellers, flower girls, rural people and hostesses appreciate your insights.
Oh, wait, time for another crackdown.

Don't get me wrong, I love this country, and I support the current government, given the alternatives. But the stupidity and greed of some members of the government of our beloved Iron Man is simply amazing. The pure doublethink of some of the Ministries is just, well, stupefying.

Ok, enough politics, back to black humor, bargirls, and big boobs.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Cambodian Creates Telepathic Car

"Cambodian mechanic Nhean Phaloek sits in his self-designed homemade Angkor 333-2010 car at his house in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. Phaloek hopes to mass-produce the petrol-powered vehicle to which he has incorporated various peculiar features, including one which he claims allows users to open its doors telepathically." - AFP

This guy is definitely a front-runner for the 2009 sCambodian of the Year Award.

Mutant sExpats

I reveal my inmost self, unto my god...

Errr, I can kinda see his point. o_0

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Great, now TWO Squeakies on the LOOSE!!!

As is I didn't have it bad enough, now there are TWO Squeakies on the loose. Apparently, Squeaky Fromme was recently released from the joint after trying to pop Ford back in '75. My former Squeaky works at Dream bar in town and somehow contiously manages to ferret out my phone number from the masses here in the Penh. Just when I think it is safe, I start getting serial sms messages.
Now there are two mad women named Squeaky loose in the world.

What if Ms. Fromme comes for a Holiday in Cambodia *cue music*???!!!! The Penh is simply not big enough for one Felgerkarb and TWO SQUEAKIES!

AHHHHH! *runs screaming into the night*

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Miss Landmine

This is Miss Landmine, Battambang, Dos Sopheap. She would have been competing in the 2009 Miss Landmine contest, but it got canceled by the government as being contrary to Cambodian values. Locals prefer their disabled begging in the streets so that they can be ignored and shouldered past, rather than shown that they have value beyond a begging hand. But I forgot, Buddha forbid somebody that is part of donor culture decides that they have a way out. Back to the streets, Sopheap! Go squat in some hovel someplace and hide your shame from us all, because we hate cripples in Cambodia...especially beautiful one legged girls!!!!

IMHO, I think she is hot. Anybody got her number?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Coming to a Penh Pharmacy Near You!

Originally designed and tested in Pattaya, our local pharmacies here in the Penh have apparently been stocking this new wonder drug for quite some time. I have noticed that the typical Khmer girl's prowess at maintaining a perfectly good lie for weeks on end MUST be based on something new (and improved), so our long suffering hero (yours truly), did some research and after risking life and limb, fire and ice, drunken escapades, and assorted other tomfoolery (to include knife wielding ex-girlfriends), obtained the above sample package.
Be afraid gentlemen, be VERY afraid...

Khmer Vampire Women

Dating a Khmer woman can sometimes be like dating a vampire. Like our hero above, the woman never simply kills you, she only sucks just enough of your life away to keep you weak and unable to escape, leaving you a slave. Every time you think you build up enough strength to make a move to save yourself, using their hideous vampire powers they keep you forever trapped, like some fucking barang bug under a glass. Just squash me and get it over with,
But no, with flashing almond eyes, black silky hair, and a body and soul designed by Satan himself, these spawn of the devil keep you beguiled, under a glamour so powerful that you will revel in your thralldom as you remember a day when you were not such as you have become.

A gilded cage is still a cage.

Silence of the Storm

The amount that I blog is always related directly to my relationship status...

Missy and I have had some serious issues of late, therefore I stand on the shoreline watching the incoming storm and enjoying the silence before the waves crash over the wasteland of my relationship and either wash away the pain and uncertainty, or simply pulls me under into its dark embrace.

Either way I need to post more, eh?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Comrade Douche Bag Gets His Day In Court

Something troubling you, Comrade D(o)uch(e) (Bag)?

Perchance you can feel the icy claws of your victims tearing at your soul from beyond the grave? Your attempt to ease your mind by converting to Christianity seems to have failed you.

You cannot escape your Karma.

Don’t think for a minute you can rest easy, Comrade, because even if the gods be damned ECCC squanders all of its money with the usual Khmer corruption bullshit and collapses, you can bet your skinny prune ass that those that have waited so long for closure will break into your prison and give you a taste of such tender mercies that an eternity in hell will seem like paradise.

It will be just like the old days, eh Comrade?

Saturday, January 31, 2009


From the hollowed pages of the Phnom Penh Post Police Blotter:
An Australian man and a Cambodian sex worker were brought into Chroy Changvar commune police station after an argument about not paying enough for buying sex for two nights. The woman said she could not accept US$70 because the man had had sex with her several times during the two nights. The argument surprised neighbours who brought them to the police station. The man was ordered to pay the woman $30 more and $80 to have their names left off the report.

I have been thinking about THIS one a lot over the last few days and I have a few points to make.

1) Since when has two days with a sex worker on the barang circuit cost 100$ in sCambodia? She should have been arrested for gouging.

2) 80$ bucks to grease the police palms to stay off a report...once again, gouging bastards. By Buddha, the going rate is about 20$ to cook the police books. Bogan amateur.

3) Why the HELL did our bogan hero go with the neighbors to the police?! Another amateur mistake.

4) Um, last I checked, prostitution is illegal in sCambodia, so the cops enforcing some sort of fair trade deal is ridiculous and farcical. They must be her pimps. Because if they weren't, then they would have arrested her so they could repeatedly rape her in the cop shop for a few days like most of the pigs around here. They would have used her like a cum dumpster until her family and friends could pay to get her out of their "jail of love". They could have had a chew toy for a few days, and more money. I figured Dey Krohom would have polished their knobs enough to get them all worked up for a few good rounds of rape.
Oh, the humanity.

Prodigal Blues

Cambodia is an amazing place. Many live here to get the hell away from wherever or whatever they have had enough of. She takes us in her warming embrace and smothers out the pain and sorrow from which we escaped, sometimes with just our lives, if not our souls. But I tell you, whatever it is one may run from, it always finds you. Even in Cambodia...

Riding my life
Like a run-a-way train
Moving from
One track to that
Howling, crying,
Screaming at the moon
Only my voice came back
Only the echo came back

(thanks to Billy Idol for one of the best set of lyrics ever put to music)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Freak Out!

This is probably one of the best goddamn albums every produced and recorded in history....if you are over a certain age. Most of you young punks probably would not understand this album, but it is history -- it came out in 1966. I don't claim to be any sort of music guru or historian, but I know good when I hear it, and this is it. The social commentary is still very valid, and more to the point, many of the songs fit Cambodia perfectly, especially in this era of the Neo Khmer Rouge, and less severely, I cannot enter any hostess bar and not hear in my squirming like a toad brain:

Suzy Creamcheese, what's got into you?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

And Now for Something Completely Different

Felgerkarb has not been seen recently in the vicinity of St. 136 for several weeks. It has been reported that several bars along this premier hostess strip may be on the brink of closure due to his lack of patronage. Chi Chi, a good friend of our hero and owner of Nay Nay Star Bar on St. 102 (where the girls are very tall), has required her empolyees to dress in mourning attire until his return.

And now for something completely different...

Dildos are illegal in Cambodia... debate the point...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Our Glorious Leader Speaks!

"We know now that there must be a single purpose! A single norm! A single approach! A single entity of peoples! A single virtue! A single morality! A single frame of reference! A single philosophy of government! We must cut out all that is different like a cancerous growth! It is essential in this society that we not only have a norm, but that we conform to that norm! Differences weaken us! Variations destroy us! An incredible permissiveness to deviation from this norm is what has ended nations and brought them to their knees! Conformity we must worship and hold sacred! Conformity is the key to survival!"